OK, the title of this post is a shameless plugging of my mate's band. I won't put a link cos I want you to read this not listen to that but when you've finished go and have a look. I'm not overly keen on them to be honest but what do I know? I was walking through Waterloo this morning and suddenly realised I was listening to Westlife.
Tenuously enough though, I was also thinking about unkindness this morning. More specifically, I was thinking about the dastardly duo that clean our office. Let's call them Beardy and Weirdy. Whilst it goes without saying that they probably have a fairly thankless job, they really don't do themselves any favours...I mean seriously, if your job is to clean, how difficult is it to maintain your own levels of personal hygiene??
Beardy likes to share his conspiracy theories with you. Even when you've got headphones on and are staring intently at your computer screen pretending that you've never seen a more interesting spreadsheet in your life. His theories are mad and delusional, and I don't think I've ever seen him happier than when Michael Jackson died. Ultimately though, he's harmless. Crazy, but harmless. It's Weirdy that you've got to watch out for.
She's like a silent assassin. Sneaking up behind you to empty your bin and wrestle the coffee mug you're still using from your hands, if you aren't talking on the phone then in her eyes you're fair game for a conversation. She'll look to your computer screen for inspiration first. Bank balance open? "Oh, you're skint yeah?". The Ryanair website - "Oh, you're going on holiday again yeah?", a banner ad for Durex - "Oh, you're gonna have sex yeah?". You get my drift.
But more fool you if you make eye contact with her and she can't comment on your web browsing proclivities. Cos that bitch can be VICIOUS. Me and Mrs Kiwi have been told on countless occasions that we look old and haggard, prompting her to bring us green teabags which will help our wrinkly eyes and presumably make us look less offensive to the world. People we share the office with get told they look like shit on an even more regular basis, but can't retaliate. Because this is the genius of Weirdy. She doesn't say these things to be cruel and unkind, she says them because she genuinely thinks she is doing you a favour by letting you know that you have eyebags, or visible eczema, or a second head, cos you can then do something about it. Brutal honesty with the emphasis on brutal.
I put people like her in the same bracket as Sunday Christians, vegans who think it's ok to eat cake and icecream, and my old bosses at Runbynumpties International: if I could be arsed I'd probably want to throw bricks at you. But, unlike L'oreal, you're just not worth it.
Tenuously enough though, I was also thinking about unkindness this morning. More specifically, I was thinking about the dastardly duo that clean our office. Let's call them Beardy and Weirdy. Whilst it goes without saying that they probably have a fairly thankless job, they really don't do themselves any favours...I mean seriously, if your job is to clean, how difficult is it to maintain your own levels of personal hygiene??
Beardy likes to share his conspiracy theories with you. Even when you've got headphones on and are staring intently at your computer screen pretending that you've never seen a more interesting spreadsheet in your life. His theories are mad and delusional, and I don't think I've ever seen him happier than when Michael Jackson died. Ultimately though, he's harmless. Crazy, but harmless. It's Weirdy that you've got to watch out for.
She's like a silent assassin. Sneaking up behind you to empty your bin and wrestle the coffee mug you're still using from your hands, if you aren't talking on the phone then in her eyes you're fair game for a conversation. She'll look to your computer screen for inspiration first. Bank balance open? "Oh, you're skint yeah?". The Ryanair website - "Oh, you're going on holiday again yeah?", a banner ad for Durex - "Oh, you're gonna have sex yeah?". You get my drift.
But more fool you if you make eye contact with her and she can't comment on your web browsing proclivities. Cos that bitch can be VICIOUS. Me and Mrs Kiwi have been told on countless occasions that we look old and haggard, prompting her to bring us green teabags which will help our wrinkly eyes and presumably make us look less offensive to the world. People we share the office with get told they look like shit on an even more regular basis, but can't retaliate. Because this is the genius of Weirdy. She doesn't say these things to be cruel and unkind, she says them because she genuinely thinks she is doing you a favour by letting you know that you have eyebags, or visible eczema, or a second head, cos you can then do something about it. Brutal honesty with the emphasis on brutal.
I put people like her in the same bracket as Sunday Christians, vegans who think it's ok to eat cake and icecream, and my old bosses at Runbynumpties International: if I could be arsed I'd probably want to throw bricks at you. But, unlike L'oreal, you're just not worth it.
And do you know what makes it all the more painful? We pay them for this privilege!
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