Hahahhahahahahahhahaaa

Is this the most deluded family in all of Christendom? This story really made me laugh on the way to work this morning. NOT ONLY did they encourage their daughter to audition for the X Factor, whereupon she was unsurprisingly shot down in flames for having all the talent of a lump of gerbil sh*t, they've been evicted and are now living in their car in a supermarket carpark. Not, as you may imagine, because they've had 130 complaints lodged against them by neighbours, nor because of the other arguments and disturbances they've caused. Ho noooooooo. They've been targetted "because of their size".

Well, excuse me.

Fat bastards they may be. You can almost smell the rancid turkey twizzler and sweat combination coming off them as you look at their picture, but being evicted cos they're overweight?

That's bollocks. I'm overweight. Being fat has never got me evicted. It's got me into some slightly embarrassing situations at dress fittings but that's about as far as it goes. Yes we may live in an age where obesity is a massive health threat, but it's become too easy an excuse for a microcosm of society who are too stupid to do anything but blame others for their own shortcomings.

Wake up and smell the full fat latte, Mr and Mrs Chawner. You were evicted because you are noisy, rude, and probably hell to live near. Not because you're salad dodgers.

Willy Wonka wouldn't do it.

Ok, someone really needs to have a word. They're destroying our chocolate bars.

I've just had what can only be described as the world's worst breakfast - coffee and a Double Decker, and something just wasn't right. They've messed with the crunchy bit. It's different, and it's not different in a good way. The texture's all wrong, and it's totally compromised the integrity of the bar. It's not fun to eat. It didn't make me feel naughty and a weeny bit wrong, it just made me feel dirty on the inside.

The poor old Double Decker has now been relegated to my list of chocolate bars that used to be great, but have been 'improved' by the manufacturers, so that now they're just horrible.

Twix? A playground favourite now rendered inedible by its 'new, crunchier base'.

Curly-Wurleys are smaller than they were when I was 10 and I can't help feeling ripped off.

Toffee Crisps were ok until they monkeyed about with the rice crispies in the middle. Have you tried one recently? Rancid.

Kit-Kat almost achieved a stroke of brilliance by making the Chunky version and then took it a step too far by introducing its vomiticious Peanut Chunky cousin...not cool guys. (That's probably a little contradictory given my obsession with Reese's Peanut Buttercups and their hangover busting brilliance but I don't care. They should have just stopped at the Chunky)

I could go on. But you get the point. The chocolate bar I feel really sorry for is the humble Penguin. Penguins are brilliant. Until some bastard introduces you to Tim Tams. Like a Fosters-swilling magpie in the biscuit aisle, the Tim Tam is what the Penguin would be if it went to the gym and took some steroids on the side. As Graham Norton discovers, you can do things with a Tim Tam that are better than sex.

Yum.

Age is but a number...

Just in case I wasn't depressed enough about turning 30 at the end of the year, I've just found one of those lists of things you should do before your 30th birthday and have decided to see how many I've got left to do...

- Be sick on your shoes
Yep, my 20th birthday... was also sick in my bed, in the kitchen sink, outside my bedroom and on my favourite cuddly toy. It was a very proud moment.

- Have a stupid accident which necessitates a hospital visit
Note the interestingly shaped scar on my right arm- it looks like a dwarf's hat.

- Get lost in a country where you don't speak the language
2008 - the dirty smoking drinking western girls visit Marrakech.

- Get drunk on Absinthe
Noooooooooo way, I value the little sanity I've got left. Besides, I'd rather watch the Black Books episode where Manny drinks *all* the absinthe: "Bernard! Bernard! I...I.... I ate all your bees!!!"

- Eat bizarre foreign food
According to one man, my diet is made up exclusively of bizarre foreign food. But then he likes Fray Bentos Tinned Pies, so his opinion means NOTHING.

- Unwisely revisit an ex
Much to the disappointment of, well, virtually everyone who knows me, this is a habit I have yet to grow out of.

- Dial 999
Yes and I've still not forgiven the dirty thieving bastard who nicked my stereo whilst my Gin Blossoms CD was still in it.

- Get a pension
Yes. Through my last job. It's got about £10 in it. That's if Gordon Brown hasn't nicked it to buy his shares in HBOS.

- Have a three year relationship anniversary
Does stalking count?

- Date against type
OK, my 'type' criteria are very basic -
1. Have a pulse
2. That's it
so draw your own conclusions.

-Dodge a fare
Many, many times. Take *that*, South East Trains!

-Travel to at least one really cool place
Marrakech was cool. It was baking hot, but it was cool.

-Fall in love.
No comment.

-Do something physically challenging
I do something physically challenging every day - it's called getting out of bed.

-Go on a blind date
I refer the honorable ladies and gentlemen to 2006, the year of the internet dates.

-Have sex al fresco
Yep, hehehehheh.

-Have sex in a car
Yep, hehehehheh.

-Have sex at work
Yep, hehehehheh.

-Have sex in a public place
My mum's right, I really am a little bit of a slut, aren't I?

-Dye your hair
What do you mean, dye your hair? This is natural blonde. Honest.

-See a stripper
Ho yesh. What elsh ish there to do in Amshterdam?

-Kiss someone against your sexuality
Errr, yeah. But only to get past the clipboard Nazi at a really cool gay club.

-Go on a rollercoaster
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Yeah! I love rollercoasters

-Rock in a mosh pit
Smashing Pumpkins, Glastonbury 1997. Having drunk a bottle of rum. ROCK! (*insert appropriate hand gesture here)

-Get arrested
No. But I'm sure I would have been if I'd got caught.

-Undergo pubic depilation
To wax, or not to wax, that is the question. The answer being, ALWAYS WAX.

-Ride on a motorbike
No. But I do think they're really cool.

-Sleep under the stars
With a tent over me, yes.

-Move out of your parent's house
Oh yes. And very relieved they were too. Don't think they're so impressed that most of my things are still there though.

- Get on telly
One of the singlemost embarrassing moments of my life, thank GOD no-one had cable in those days.

Well, that's not too shabby I guess. I can greet 30 safe in the knowledge that I didn't waste my reckless years with my head in a book, drudging away in a dead end job, doing a passable impersonation of a nun. My parents must be so proud.